The Scene: Isaac is tied down to an altar, his father Abraham stands above him clutching a large knife, ready to sacrifice his son, when he notices something odd…
Abraham: What’s that?
Isaac: What’s what?
Abraham: That tent you’re pitching.
Isaac: Um…
Abraham: Oh my God, do you have an erection? Is that a boner?
Isaac: No!
Abraham: Yes it is! You have a boner! What the hell? Do you not comprehend the gravity of the situation? I am about to ritually sacrifice you, and you’re building a tower of Babylon!?
Isaac: Wait, wait, you’re going to sacrifice me!?
Abraham: Um, yeah, I thought that was obvious.
Isaac: You said that God would show us the lamb!
Abraham: [laughing] You actually believed that line?
Isaac: Yeah…
Abraham: Wow, you’re gullible. Ok. Why is it still there?
Isaac: Can we get off my boner and focus on the fact that you’re going to kill me?
Abraham: Not kill, offer up as a sacrifice. There is a big difference.
Isaac: I still end up dead.
Abraham: Nah, child sacrifice is all the rage right now. Everyone is doing it.
[awkward silence]
Isaac: Why are you staring at it?
Abraham: Because it’s just there. It’s ruining my concentration.”
Isaac: I’m soooooooooo sooooooorrrrrrry. I’ll try my hardest to make sure it goes down [squints as if concentrating very hard]
Abraham: Don’t get lippy with me boy, I’m your father.
Isaac: Or what? You’re going to kill me?
Abraham: [sigh] Why won’t it go down?
Isaac: I don’t know, it’s like it has a mind of its own.
Abraham: That’s true, I remember one time your mother…
Isaac: Ewww! Gross I don’t want to hear about that…
Abraham: Oh shhh, just listen. Your mother was busy, baking cakes for these three guests when suddenly my thing went as stiff as Methuselah. I couldn’t go to your mother ‘cause she hated getting it on while she leavened the challah bread. So I quickly milked my serpent. When I was finished, I couldn’t find the discharge-it was like it had pulled an Enoch and disappeared off the face of the earth. Well it turned out that it somehow ended up on one of the guest’s head! It took all my self control not to laugh. Your mother, of course, couldn’t control herself. She laughed like the woman she is. Hahahaahhahhahhahhahhah.
Isaac: Hahahahahhahahahaa hahahhah. That is funny.
Abraham: Yeah, afterwards, both me and your mother got so horny thinking about the whole thing that…
Isaac: Stop! Just stop!
Abraham: Okay, you’re right, I should probably get on with the sacrificing thing.
Isaac: How can you be so blasé about this?
Abraham: How can you have a boner during an important religious moment?
Isaac: I don’t know?
Abraham: There are not any women here…you are interested in women, right
Isaac: Yes, I do like women.
Abraham: So… any lucky ladies? Made any moves? Have you put that ‘leviathan’ to use or does it just stand there doing nothing like some false idol?
Isaac: Not yet…I’m too embarrassed, though I Imagine I will be able to impress them with my rakish stab wounds…
Abraham: Watch it!
Isaac: Screw you, Dad!
Abraham: If your mother could hear you talk this way to your own father, she would just die of shame.
Isaac: Yeah, I think she’d also be a smidgen upset if she knew her husband was sacrificing her own son. Asshole.
Abraham: That’s it! You cannot talk to your father that way. This conversation will go no further until you apologize.
Isaac: I’m sorry.
Abraham: Really?
Isaac: No, you fanatical freak! You’re a horrible parent!
Abraham: You know I was hoping that this could be a special father-son experience, one that we, I mean I, could look back on. But if you don’t want to spend quality time with your own father, that’s your choice. You can keep your negativity and your erection. I’ll just kill you and be on my way, I won’t bother you anymore.
Angel of God(Voice Over): Abraham, Abraham!
Abraham: I’m here.
Angel of God (VO): Don’t place your hand on your son.
Abraham: Whoa, I didn’t touch him! He got that boner all by himself!
Angel(VO): Do not cause him any harm.
Abraham: Oh…you mean don’t sacrifice him. Ok.
One sacrificed lamb later…
Abraham: Wow, you still have an erection. I have my reputation to consider, I can’t be seen with someone sporting a boner in public. So I’m going to head on home, and when you’re finished. You can come home.
[Abraham leaves.]
Isaac: Dad! Dad! I’m still tied down here! Dad!!! Dad!!!!!!! DADDDDDD!!!!!!!!
[some time later]
Isaac: God Dammit I’m horny!
